Nation's Truth

Ah! Another edition of what the FUCK is wrong with you. It’s like a steaming cup of cocoa rolling slowly down my throat. Wow. Cups roll down my throat. I’d better get that looked at.

This week’s asshole, is of a very special brew. Francesco Schettino! “Who the FUCK is THAT?!” you might think. Well, he’s the captain of the Costa Concordia. The ship that hit a rock off the coast of Italy? Yes, yes, NOW you know who I mean. 

That’s him. Actually doing his JOB.

Francesco Schettino wins the “What the FUCK is wrong with you?” award of the week!

So here’s the skinny - at night the ship ran aground off the coast of Italy. The captain ABANDONED his ship, crew, passengers, Toto the dog, and who knows who the fuck else. His excuse? Well, apparently this guy is either dumber than belly button lint or ballsier than Hillary Clinton because he says he ACCIDENTALLY left the ship. He “claimed he could not lead the evacuation because he slipped and fell into a lifeboat while helping passengers leave the stricken vessel.” WOW. I am fucking IMPRESSED. And what luck eh?! The ship going down and where do you ACCIDENTALLY slip and fall? Well, into a LIFEBOAT of course! Where ELSE would you fall? After he left the ship, it’s reported that he found Atlantis and the tomb of Queen Hatshepsut. 

It was pandemonium en masse. Passengers ran and screamed and stampeded each other. Crew was lost as to what to do, although I’m FAIRLY certain they MIGHT cover such things in training. It wound up in a heartbreaking 40 people dead. They have only 12 confirmed but let’s face it, if they say “unaccounted for” it means “dead”. The horrible loss from this tragedy has touched many different countries. As the ship sank below the waves… wait. What? The ship DIDN’T sink? Well then, uhhhhhh, what the FUCK?! How did so many people die? 

They died doing stupid shit. Stupid shit like abandoning the ship in the first fucking place. Here’s the ship -

Looks pretty scary to me. I mean it IS sideways.

Here it is from 3 different angels-

And here it is from close up- 

Hold the fucking phone. Is that LAND? RIGHT FUCKING THERE?! LAND! LAND HO! Like 20 feet from you guys! Hello?! HELLO?! LAND RIGHT THERE!!!

Why did anyone abandon this ship? Were they afraid of LISTING to death? 

Passengers I saw in interviews likened it to the tragedy of the Titanic. “Now I know how those passengers felt”, said one delusional bitch scab. NO. No you did NOT. Oh no you di’int (in ebonics even). How DARE you, you twat wad? How DARE you liken your listing adventure 100 yards off the coast of Italy to the deaths of 1,500 people in the middle of the freezing fucking Atlantic ocean?! 

That’s like saying this -

and this -

are exactly the same except for the color of the swim suit.

Or that this guy -

and this guy -

can both take excellent medical care of you in am emergency.

Seriously, the TITANIC? No WONDER the captain jumped ship. He was trying to get the fuck away from all the stupid ass passengers.

Of COURSE it’s sad that people died, and I’m sorry that they’re dead, but there was this one guy, helped kids into boats and then went BACK TO HIS CABIN to get his violin. Dead. 6 victims between 50 and 60 years old were discovered below the waterline all wearing life jackets. What the..?? Dead. Another was a barman who helped evacuate the ship then jumped overboard. He couldn’t swim. Dead. A couple in the dining room. Dead. Well, it happened so FAST though… Nope. They had at LEAST an hour. Oh. well, uh….

If they had ALL stayed on board, granted, not very comfortably, they would probably ALL be ALIVE. The ship wasn’t SINKING! IT WAS NOT FUCKING SINKING! IT WAS LISTING! L-I-S-T-I-N-G! 

I understand that it must have been a truly frightening experience, especially for the kids on board, but c’mon! I would have been terrified, but I wouldn’t have gone all Winslet/DiCaprio. Hell, I wouldn’t even have gone all Disney.

If one of my loved ones had died in the crash, I’d fucking HATE me.

So, captain douchebaggio (that douchebag in Italian) left the ship. LEFT THE FUCKING SHIP. I don’t care if they were listing, sinking, falling, flipping, or moon walking on that mother fucker, a captain goes down with his ship. In this case, a captain should have gone sideways with his ship, but that’s not the point. The POINT is that had he remained on board aka not “slipped into a lifeboat”, he could have coordinated evacuation or rescue or whatever fucking efforts they needed. He REFUSED to re-board the ship when Port Authority TOLD him to. Apparently he missed the “authority” part in Port Authority. 

He knew he was fucked. He went off course. He hit a fucking rock. He was probably drunk. (I have no evidence of that, but let’s take it as fact.) He had 4,000 pissed off people on board. He Porky Pigged that shit.

Coward. Even Porky showed SOME courage. Hell, he worked with a schizophrenic cross dressing rabbit and a gun happy guy with a speech impediment. 

So, Mr. Shittizoio, or whatever the fuck your name is, you win my “What the FUCK is wrong with you?” award of the week.

Captain Stubing is ashamed of you.

Yeah. YOU.

(I have decided that this will be a weekly feature.)

So, there’s this HORRIBLE show on TLC that ought to be cancelled. It’s called Toddlers and Tiaras. It’s supposed to be a show about children in beauty pageants and their families. What it’s really about are women (usually PAST too fucking fat) living vicariously through their children and spending shit tons of money on pageants that mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the real world. 

My sons were in pageants when they were little. I know, I know, but I was young and stupid. I wasn’t even trying to live vicariously, I thought my boys were very good looking and the idea was given to me by a nurse at their doctor’s office. So I entered Cory in a pageant at the ripe old age of 1. He won 2nd place. The first place winner was a harelip boy. Now, I know how this is gonna sound, but let’s face it, you’re wondering how the fuck he lost too. I mean C’MON! You would wonder if it were you’re kid. Damn skippy you would. Anyway, I found out REALLY quick that it depended how much money you spent on the pageant. The more you spent, the better your chances at winning. We did a total of 4 pageants. The end.

This show takes things to a whole new level of creepy fucked up in the headdom. The kids wind up looking like weird plastic sex dolls with baby faces. Which might be swell in Thailand, but here in the good ole USA, I thought we frowned upon those things. My bad. 

So, every once in awhile I watch this train wreck of a show just so I can, I dunno, make me look like the worlds greatest parent. Seriously. If you EVER think you’re a fucked up parent, watch ONE episode. Hell, HALF an episode. You will find yourself, like me, staring in horror and yelling at the TV. It’s like some fucked up football game full of stupidity. Kinda like any game involving the Raiders.

Today I caught an episode that sparked a bit of outrage last week. I heard a snippet on the news about this one episode and I was like “Shit! I wanna see that!”. Then today, to my delight (and horror and shock and astonishment and rage and disgust) it was on! And there is one particular mother who gets the “What the FUCK is wrong with you?” award for the week. Her name is June.

June is a disgusting flob (that’s fat and slob put together). No seriously. Think of the word fat and then think of the word slob. Combine them. Get a picture of what one may look like in your head. It’s worse than that.

Yep. FLOB.

And I’m gonna be mean and balls to the wall honest here. Her kid is ugly. Seriously. The kid isn’t cute. Not her fault. *looks up* 

I know what you’re thinking. She’s not THAT bad. Plus she’s making a silly face. Well, honestly, it was her attitude that made her so bad and that ISN’T just a funny face. She looked like this the majority of the time.

There it is. The face for 6 minutes. The end of this video makes me kinda sad. They way she’s grabbing onto her belly and the “adult” camera crew is laughing. She’s too young to realize they’re laughing AT her. And that phrase, that “honey boo-boo child” just irritates the SHIT outta me. And really, a “dollar makes her holler”? What the FUCK?! That’s something a Vietnamese prostitute says, not a 6 year-old!

This mother, this sack of SHIT woman, feeds her daughter “go-go juice” during pageants. It’s Red Bull mixed with Mountain Dew in a not so cleverly disguised Mountain Dew bottle. This mother said, and I quote-“A lot of moms say, Oh well, you are doping your child up, well, hey, no, I am not. I am not hurting her. We have tried the pixie sticks that people call “pageant crack”, we went through 15 bags one pageant and it does not do anything for her.”  

As for how she would react if anyone were to question her parenting, this Marie Curie of Georgia said “If somebody came up to me, had an opinion about my daughter, I would knock them the hell up.,” she laughs, “Like get in your face and knock the shit out of you.” Would you? Would you REALLY? You couldn’t even CATCH me you grotesque squinty eye’d Jabba the… Damn. I don’t wanna make Jabba feel bad here. Sorry Jabba. But the resemblance IS a little disturbing.

I see it now.

Watching the woman follow her daughter through that dance routine was like watching Godzilla crossed with a hillbilly. I had to cover my face in fear of her popping out of the TV to eat me.

This kid ought to be taken away from her. As a matter of fact, if you see some of the torture these kids go through, a LOT of them could be given to better homes. Like sad little kittens in the rain. 

Poor babies.

The real question is why on EARTH a network called The LEARNING Channel would air such a show. They ought to learn to be ashamed of themselves. (Did you like that? *rim shot*) I’d like to know why, if I spank my child too hard, I could look at jail time and these women are TELEVISING their PURPOSEFUL, UNNECESSARY and UNCALLED FOR abuse on a weekly basis with NO REPERCUSSIONS AT ALL.

Personally, I think children ought to look like this -

Not like this - 

or this

and sure as HELL not like THIS-

They look like they’re going to eat my fucking BRAINS. The zombie apocalypse is here folks! And it wants to be Miss Grand Supreme!

The money that they spend, doesn’t even equal what the could win. The average cost of a glitz pageant is 400-500 MINIMUM. That doesn’t include costumes, hair, make-up, nails, tanning, and whatever the hell else these parents think they need to make their children look fucking freaky. Six glitz pageants a year can run $10,000.00. Seriously.

Can I enter? I needs monies.

And typically they win up to $1,000.00. 

So what did Alana win? 3rd runner up? Which makes me wonder what the HELL the other contestants were like.

That’s GOT to be it.

So June, you win my “What the FUCK is wrong with you? award for this week. Personally, I dunno how ANYBODY will top this one.

Honey boo-boo child.

In the latest and greatest breaking news, Beyonce and Jay-Z have given birth to a healthy 7 pound baby girl! Awwwwww! Congrats to them! And her name is? Wait. WHAT?!

Blue Ivy.

Yep. That’s right. The latest in a long line of ridiculous names that pretty much guarantee that child will never get a personalized mug from any amusement park any where in any world. Blue Ivy. Say it slowly. Bluuuuuuuue Iiiiiiiivyyyyyyy. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! That is a PLANT. Not a child. A form of FLORA. 

Blue fucking ivy. (Okay, it’s more purple, but it’s CALLED blue.)

Do they realize they’re not being original? That we’ve come to expect this from celebrities? These days being a celebrity pretty much guarantees that when they procreate, that poor child will wind up with a truly “original” name. Originality however, does not mean smart.

I think there’s a special club that celebrities can only retain membership in if they promise to name their child something balls in your face crazy. Perhaps that is how they maintain their popularity. Hmmmmm……

Everybody knows this cup size! It’s none other than Pamela Anderson! Star of Baywatch and uh, well there was….. ummmmm….. yeah. She named her children Brandon and Dylan. What was she THINKING?! Crazy whore. Out of the club.

You old enough to remember THIS teen heartthrob? Kirk Cameron was the wet dream of every tween and teen for YEARS. He had a bright future and a veritable stew of pussy waiting for him. Then he found God. No big deal. LOTS of actors are religious. He got married. No biggie. LOTS of actors are married. Then he named his children Jack, Isabelle, Anna, Luke, Olivia and James. WHAT THE FUCK?! Other than the fact that he said all Jews were hell bound, which is apparently forgivable now thanks to Mr. Mel Gibson, we never saw him again. Membership revoked mother fucker.

Then there are those that seem to have limited membership in the club. People JUST hanging onto the tampon string of stardom. Like…

Good old Pierce Brosnan was only able to maintain membership and therefore the opportunity to appear in Lifetime Network movies by naming one child Paris. That was JUST cool enough to keep the ex-Bond around. 

He’s a cowboy and on a steel horse he rides! Jon Bon Jovi is only able to keep the 300 pounders squeezing into their 20 year old size 4 ripped up concert tee’s because he named one child Romeo. He keeps the old sounds alive and has size 24 underwear thrown at him on his reunion tours. Rumor has it that to save money on hotel costs, producers insisted everyone camp in them.

See the mistakes these poor souls have made? Their careers are NOTHING like they could have been! If only they had listened! If only they had taken the contract seriously! They at LEAST could have wound up with a show on OWN or TNT.

Do you know who this is? Probably not. It’s okay. Although she BARELY counts as a celebrity, Shannyn Sossamon (no one knows how the fuck to pronounce that), has made waves in A Knight’s Tale, Wristcutter’s: A Love Story, and HBO’s How to Make it in America. She named her child Audio Science. You know, like Magnavox, Motorola, Toshiba, or Panasonic. Recently, little Audio Science was captured in this photo-

Little ANGEL!

This next actor has been in everything from Jay and Silent Bob, to Almost Famous, to having his own telivision show - My Name is Earl, and currently stars on Up All Night and plays Dave in all the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movies! Whew! It’s…… *drumroll*

Jason Lee! What a fellow! How TALENTED! Look at him up there with his had thoughtfully against his chin. Perhaps he is pondering why the FUCK he named his child Pilot Inspektor. Fucking seriously. This makes me wanna bash him in the head with a rhino penis. Why would you do that to another human being? I wouldn’t do that to a DOG.

(Nation’s dog’s name is Voltron Snowfang McCloud of the clan McCloud there can be only one.)

Shut the fuck up.

Everyone knows Nick Cage. I won’t even bother to name anything he’s been in because he’s been in damn near everything. The man can gesticulate at me beseechingly and raise those eyebrows at me all he wants, but I’d still like to smash him in the eye with a frozen chimichanga for naming his child Kal-El.

RIGHT HERE ASSHOLE!

Now I understand that he loves comic books and I know that he OBVIOUSLY loves Superman, but FUCK dude! Kal-El is more of a sound than a name. You could just as easily have gone with Ckkkhh or Llallalla. Although Cage likes to protect his son’s privacy, satellite images rently captured this shot of him saving the Earth (or something)-

Being a comic book fan, he also could have gone with- Professor Chair, Whizzer, or The Walrus. Or better yet! How about…..

PASTE POT PETE!

Ultimately, what this all is going to boil down to is a TON of pissed off adults. Can you imagine Dr. Pilot or teacher Audio? Unless your children are ABSOLUTLY AND WITHOUT A DOUBT going to be eccentric celebrities, perhaps we could go back to the good old days of Jack, Tom, Kate and Laura.

Or, we could always wait for more stories like this poor man arrested for drug possession-

Meet Mr. Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.

Point. Set. Match.